Random thoughts from offshore

Remember this

2012-02-10T12:33:00.000Z

When you discover that someone has been badmouthing you behind your back, here’s a thought:

You must be very very important to them, because that person took time out of their busy day to think of you!

Someone once said "Love and hate I can deal with. Indifference is hard to overcome."
(Don't remember who said it. Maybe it was me!)

Health and Safety

2012-02-06T12:10:00.000Z

When I was at university our faculty had a computer. Now anyone who attended university more recently than the pre-Cambrian era may think that unremarkable, but it was actually so unusual in my day that this machine (about the size of a filing cabinet and with almost as much computing power as a current-day musical birthday card) was part of the guided tour given to visiting dignitaries. Anyway, this computer had a fan inside it, to keep it cool. And the fan, had a little thermal cut-out, so that if the fan overheated it protected itself by shutting itself down. Thus leaving the vastly expensive computer to burn out, but at least the 50p fan was saved. Safety is protection are all very well but only if you think about it properly.

I was reminded of this today by a Domestos bottle. (Domestos is a brand of domestic bleach used commonly to clean toilets and, it was once claimed by Jasper Carrott, by people in Norwich to soak false teeth. The lady that used to clean my house in the UK got through so much of it I wondered if she secretly drank it. But, as always, I digress . . .)

This morning I decided to freshen the toilet by the application of a squirt of the aforementioned product. Bleach is a Dangerous Substance, as defined by the Things That People Could Hurt Themselves With If They’re Really Stupid Act of 1972, and therefore is sold in bottles with a safety cap. This particular one requires you to apply fingers on opposite sides of the cap and press before turning. If you don’t do this the cap won’t turn.

But what does happen if you don’t to the squeeze properly, is that the whole cap assembly unscrews from the bottle and the entire contents of the bottle spills all over the toilet, the floor, your feet and any exposed parts of your anatomy. And throughout this, the safety cap remains firmly in place, to ensure you remain protected.

I feel so much safer. And I also have a clue as to why my former cleaner used to get through so much bleach and why the floorboards in the bathroom were a lot whiter than everywhere else in the house.

St. Helena Airport open NOW! (virtually)

2012-02-01T09:56:00.000Z

If I understand the information at this link: http://flyawaysimulation.com/downloads/files/8161/fsx-jamestown-saint-helena-scenery/ someone has already set up the St. Helena airport as a destination on Microsoft's Flight Simulator game. I don't play computer games so can't say how realistic it is - maybe someone will tell me. But I can suggest some ways to make it as real as possible:

You turn up but the entire island is fogbound so you have to go back to S. Africa
You try to land but the person who does air traffic control is off sick today so could you please call back tomorrow?
There's a donkey standing in the middle of the runway and he isn't moving for you or anybody else
Your engine has a defect and the local ground crew get it running using bits from a scrapped Ford Escort and a square of old lino
There isn't enough aviation fuel to fill your tank so you top it off with Tungi Spirit and you make it back to S. Africa in half the usual time.

An Englishman's castle

2012-01-29T12:30:00.000Z

The dispute over who should own the Falklands/Malvinas gets a lot of reporting here because a lot of Saints work over there and their family and friends back here are concerned for them.

I won't pretend to have any great insight into the dispute but it does occur to me that the people who live on the Falklands (their preferred name) wish to remain part of Britain. Shouldn't that be the deciding factor? You can argue forever about who did what and when, but if the people want to be British, surely they should be allowed to be? All this machismo "my empire's bigger than yours" stuff should have died out decades ago, but the posturing by both sides just looks like two schoolboys arguing over who gets to sit on a bench.

So my suggestion (for whatever it may be worth) is that the boys in Buenos Aires and London find something else to occupy themselves - go do your homework, have a smoke behind the bike sheds or play a game of kick-about in the playground - and leave the people of the South Atlantic to make up their own minds.

Comment?

2012-01-14T09:29:00.000Z

"Bonjour,

Je m'excuse pour cette intrusion, je me nomme . . ."

It seems I now get 419-scam emails in French. From a .cz email address. Why should anyone in the Czech Republic wish to address an Englishman in French? The Internet is a wonderful place!

I could probably make good use of "la somme de $5 Millions dollards (cinq millions dollard)", though I'm not sure how many "dollards" there are to the pound. But, on the whole, I think I will not "contact moi à mon email direct". Sorry.

A useful reminder

2012-01-07T20:37:00.000Z

Sometimes when things are difficult here it can be tempting to think "let's just go back to the UK". The thought has never lasted more than a few hours, but in case it ever does I've bookmarked Gary Walters' blog: http://garywalters.blogspot.com/2012/01/starting-from-scratch.html

The simple fact is that, wherever you are, and whatever you're doing, life will throw a certain amount of s**t at you. That being the case, you might as well be somewhere nice!

Good luck, Gary, but I don't think I'll be joining you!

It’s the end of the world as we know it . . .

2011-12-17T15:46:00.000Z

If you’re worried by the predictions that the world will end in 2012 (in December, to be precise), you can take heart from the data presented here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_dates_predicted_for_apocalyptic_events.

It seems the end of the world has been predicted regularly for as long as historical records exist, including 55 occasions in my own lifetime (more than one for every year I’ve been alive). I see no reason to assume this prediction would be any more likely to be correct than all the others.

My son, Andrew, recently advanced the theory that the reason the Mayan calendar ends in 2012 is nothing to do with them predicting the end of the world. He thinks that was as much data as would fit on the available stone and they couldn’t find a bigger one. I like that thinking.

So I, for one, am not going to sell up and head for the hills in December 2012. But if you’re convinced otherwise and want to send to me any stuff you won’t be needing after the Apocalypse I’ll be happy to receive it.

(Note to self – that’s Christmas shopping for next year sorted . . .)

Shining lights

2011-12-15T12:09:00.000Z

The school in Jamestown, Pilling Primary, held a “Festival of Lights” yesterday evening, and I must say it was a delightful event. Lots of children, parents, teachers and others, dancing down the street, with floats and themselves festooned with twinkly lights.

I congratulate them on the idea. In previous years they’ve done a Christmas Parade during the day, which has always been good fun but in the full heat of summer can be a little hard on the spectators, to say nothing of the participants. The Festival of Lights, being, of course, an evening event, was much easier to enjoy.

Unfortunately, it was also extremely difficult to photograph. Fast-moving people with tiny lights is not a recipe for good photography. I’ll post a few of the more reasonable ones on http://sainthelenaisland.info/ when I get the time.

Not everything can be successfully captured on a photo. For some things, you just have to be there. I’m glad I was.

My Disability

2011-12-01T11:47:00.000Z

These days everyone seems to have a disability. If you don’t, you’re just not normal. So here’s mine. It must be real – it’s on Wikipedia. Though, I suppose, so is Luke Skywalker, but never mind. I claim my disability and all the benefits that are thereby my entitlement. I'm John and I am a Compulsive Hoarder.

Can I prove it? Well you could ask Catherine about the cellar in our house in Markyate. Or you could consult the divorce papers from my first marriage, granted on the grounds of mental cruelty because I was 'untidy'. Or you could have a look at my desk.

My condition has some advantages. I claim to be the inventor of the 'index chronological' filing system. Think how long ago you last had it and dig down that far. Just like archaeology really.

So that's mine. What's yours?

Can we fix it? Yes, we can!

2011-11-28T09:34:00.000Z

Once again I’m impressed by the ingenuity and sheer dogged determination of the engineers and mechanics of St. Helena.

The RMS limped into James Bay on Saturday with one engine broken, raising the prospect of a slow trip down to Cape Town, a delay there while the engine was fixed, and hence a very late return to St. Helena. The disruption, this close to Christmas, would have caused a lot of difficulties. Moonbeams, for example, has Christmas-related stock on the ship, as well as other things needed to complete customer orders, so a delay would have been especially unwelcome.

But after a few hours sitting in the bay they managed to fix it and it is (touch as much wood as I can find) now on its way to Cape Town with both engines working.

Maybe this should not be surprising. Any group of people that can keep fifty year old Ford Escort Mark 1s on the road – and not just as museum pieces for the occasional showing off, but as normal day-to-day transport – should be capable of just about anything, and clearly is.

I hope they will be as good at fixing aircraft . . .

‘automatically select’

2011-11-22T10:53:00.000Z

I’ve not yet reached an age where I’m baffled by the latest technologies (I can’t see the point of some of them – Twitter, for example – but I could use it if I wanted to) but I am increasingly exasperated by the way some of them work. Facebook, for example, seems to randomly ignore letters I type, so that 'please' comes out as 'pese'. Blogger does it too. Bt that's nt what I waned to writ abut.

We do lots of small-scale printing at Moonbeams and so have quite a collection of printers, each specialised to a particular purpose. And every one of them has the same ‘feature’.

When you set up the printer you have to tell it the ‘defaults’ – the what-to-do-unless-I-tell-you-otherwise settings. Stuff like what paper size to expect (can’t it measure it?) and whether you want things printed in colour (why did I buy a colour printer if I wanted everything in black-and-white). And you have to tell it which place to look for the paper.

Naturally you take the ‘automatically select’ option, assuming the printer will then do something sensible. This is a mistake. What ‘automatically select’ means is: look at all the trays; identify the one that is empty; and select that one. Failing that, select any tray that has a different size paper to the size of the print. And failing that, select card if I asked for printing on plain paper, or vice versa, or whatever, but under no circumstances make a logical choice.

Somebody, somewhere, programs these things. I'd like to meet him/her, but s/he would not enjoy meeting me. . . .

How long is it until 'never'?

2011-11-21T17:00:00.000Z

We use a professional anti-virus package, both for Burgh House and at Moonbeams. We have to, because we use datakeys and there are lots of viruses circulating on St. Helena. I once came back from SaintFM after doing a radio programme and the AV software deleted more thn 2,000 viruses off my datakey.

The software also comes with a firewall. Unfortunately, for some reason I've never been able to fathom, the firewall mucks up the network. I've tried all the options but nothing helps. So we run with the Windows firewall on and the other one off. You select 'firewall' and 'turn off' and it asks when you want it to switch the firewall back on. You select 'never'. It switches off the firewall.

Which would be fine, except that a while later the network suddenly stops working and when you look you find that the firewall is back on. Nobody switched it on. It did it itself.

Experience tells us that 'never' occurs after about two weeks.

Which raises a few interesting possibilities

. . . .

particularly in relation to those girls from my youth whose rejections of my advances were a whole lot more than two weeks ago....

Basil Read

2011-11-18T17:48:00.000Z

No, I don't have anything to say about Basil Read. But that's all everyone else seems to be talking about and I was beginning to feel left out.

Jamestown is covered in posters telling people how to sign up for jobs building the airport. Everyone is asking everybody else how to apply and how much they'll get paid (two other, to my mind more important questions - how hard they'll have to work and whether their current employer will take them back afterwards - don't seem to get a look in). But I don't want a job building the Airport and I very much doubt that Basil Read will be coming to Burgh House for advice on how to do business here, so I'm watching from the sidelines.

Or would be, if it wasn't for the sudden increase in the number of local people wanting help improving their business, not in relation to the airport building but for the new economy that's expected to come with it. So I must wish the three chaps from Basil Read (arriving tomorrow) the best of luck with their visit, and apologise for not attending any of their functions.

Sorry, guys. I just can't spare the time.

Wet babies

2011-11-03T16:11:00.000Z

A wise man(*) once said:

"Nobody welcomes change - except a wet baby"

The signing today of the contract to build an airport on St. Helena is certainly going to result in lots of change to the island.

Whether the people of St. Helena feel like wet babies remains to be seen.

(*) Peter de Jager actually

Canute's Cornflakes

2011-11-03T09:03:00.000Z

I had cornflakes for breakfast this morning (no, don’t panic, this is not Facebook – there’s a reason why I’m telling you that). They were fine but I happened to notice that the packet had a Best Before date. It reads:
Best before end
APR12
1195
Now that’s one elderly packet of cornflakes!

In 1195 Richard 1 was King of England, Denmark was under Canute VI (obviously more successful than his English relative) and Sweden was under Canute I (these Canutes were clearly taking over). Xia Gui, the Chinese scroll painter of the Song Dynasty, great master of the Southern Song landscape style, was born, and Li Di, the Chinese imperial court painter, was getting pretty elderly - he died two years later aged 97. (The rest of the world hadn’t – apparently – discovered art, at least as far as the Wikipedia is concerned.) But I’m pretty sure Tesco wasn’t making cornflakes.

I consulted the Great Oracle. Catherine tells me I read it wrong. The Best before date is April 2012, and 1195 is just a batch number. Ah well. At least I learned something.

If any of you knows anyone at Tesco perhaps you could suggest a small change to their product labelling?

Proud dad

2011-10-28T17:40:00.000Z

Please indulge me a little bit of proud dad-ness. (Someone with doubtless tell me the correct word.)

Andrew's activities with the Youth Parliament are reported on page 8 of this week's St. Helena Independent.

Anonymous strikes back?

2011-10-28T14:36:00.000Z

Somebody just called the police – without leaving a name, of course - to report my car for causing an obstruction, even though it's legally parked (the policeman whose time they wasted confirmed it.)

Maybe Anonymous, having lost the argument over C&W (s/he never replied or identified him/herself), has decided to employ other methods. If so, maybe s/he would like to report our dog for worrying sheep (we don’t have a dog). Or accuse our daughter of soliciting (we don’t have a daughter). Maybe I shot Kennedy? Maybe I slaughtered the innocents. Maybe Anonymous should get a life!

Anyway, the police didn’t seem at all pleased to be dragged out to deal with a crime that wasn’t, so if it was the infamous Anonymous I’d advise him/her to a bit more careful!

St. Helena people and places

2011-10-25T14:58:00.000Z

A new website launched today with lots of photos of St. Helena people and places. It's only a temporary site at present - more photos and content are coming soon, but it's already worth a look. Go to http://www.fantomagency.com/ and enjoy!

Flying

2011-10-22T19:03:00.000Z

I saw a nice photo of clouds taken from an aircraft window and it reminded me of this poem. If you've ever flown and looked out of the window you'll know.

From the ground
one sees only the butt ends of the clouds
those bits of the blanket
tucked under.

Flying
one sees across the counterpane
rumpled, morning white
as if the earth had spent another restless night.

Roger McGough

PS: Please rush out and buy lots of his books and then maybe his lawyers won't sue me for infringement of copyright.
PPS: I got the text off the Internet, with several hundred thousand hits on Google, so they'll have to sue quite a lot of people.

Can I be serious for a moment?

2011-10-22T10:22:00.000Z

It's something I'm often asked. Usually more as an instruction than as a query. By Catherine, particularly (and, by the way, Happy Birthday, Catherine, for today: the 25th Anniversary of your 25th Birthday).

This is serious:
Take Action! Urge Iranian Authorities to Address Iran’s Human Rights Situation

Please click on the link and do as it says.

Not a baaaad idea?

2011-10-21T11:18:00.000Z

According to today's Independent, sixty chickens and a flock of sheep are coming to St. Helena "to rejuvenate St Helena’s economy".

We don't practice discrimination at Burgh House, so I wondered what would happen if a sheep or a chicken wanted one of our SHG-Grant funded business plans.

I've sent a message to the MD of SHDA and will report anything (printable) that he says.

Squid doesn’t like the sun

2011-10-11T16:14:00.000Z

One of the more peculiar aspects of doing business on St. Helena is the “sun outage”. At this time of the year, for about ten minutes every day, there is no satellite link to or from St. Helena. The reason, as I understand it, is that the satellite dish, which of course points at the satellite (!), is angled such that, at these times, the sun is shining directly into the dish, and that cuts off the signal. Or maybe they have to shut everything down to stop the sun from frying the equipment. Whichever, it can be a &@#!£ nuisance if you’re trying to make an international ‘phone call or use an online facility such as instant messaging.

If you don’t remember, you type out your message, press ‘send’, and get the response “ERROR The requested URL could not be retrieved. Zero Sized Reply. Squid did not receive any data for this request.”

I’m not sure who or what Squid is but s/he definitely doesn’t like the sun.

In praise of Cable & Wireless

2011-10-11T09:38:00.000Z

"Anonymous" has left a proposed comment on my post "Cable & Wireless", and despite its open hostility and lack of logic I have decided to publish it. It reads (verbatim, of course) as follows:

QUOTE "if you are not happy with the service provided than LEAVE St Helena.After all no one is asking you to stay It is always outsider like you who moan and make things out to be worse than what they are.Stop moaning and accept things as they are or leave.After all they do have other customers who has a business to help as well and not just you.Cable and Wireless keep up the good work guys." ENDQUOTE

This sort of tribal response is fairly common, and I don't just mean here. Americans happily criticise Americans, but if anyone else does so . . . It’s useful to be reminded that, even if I live here for the rest of my life, I will never be considered a Saint Helenian. (I lived for fifteen years in a village in England but was always an ‘incomer’, so the thought doesn’t bother me.)

Anonymous' praise for Cable & Wireless possibly stems from an erroneous belief that Cable & Wireless is a Saint Helena company being attacked by a non-Saint. I am, but it isn’t. Anonymous should do more research (try http://cw.com/), particularly if, as I suspect, anonymous actually works for Cable & Wireless, or is closely related to someone who does.

I stand by my criticism. In my view the communications services on St. Helena, as delivered by Cable & Wireless, are inadequate and hinder St. Helena’s economic development. This, to put it simply, makes ordinary people on St. Helena poorer than they would otherwise be. All of them. ‘Outsiders’ and everyone else. If Anonymous is happy to pay through the nose for a service that it inadequate and unreliable then good for him or her, but nobody else should be. If everyone were to “accept things as they are or leave” the island would soon be a seabird colony.

Whether any other communications company could provide a better service will remain unknown because Cable & Wireless has a statutory monopoly. If I had a choice I might leave Cable & Wireless, and use another provider. I don’t, so I can’t. But moving home, where you are happy and settled, because you don’t like the telephone company seems excessive to me.

Anonymous: I’d be happy to debate this with you, face-to-face, if you would have the courage to identify yourself. I'm not in a position to effect reprisals, even if I were motivated to do so, which I can assure you I'm not. I hope you would come to see that I'm criticising the company, not the individuals, who I'm sure do their best within the constraints of the corporate structure in which they work, and that criticism is a fundamental part of how we progress. If you want to accept my offer I’m sure you know where to find me. If not, I await your next comment.

In case you're interested . . .

2011-10-05T10:55:00.000Z

As we were about to turn up the track to our house, on the way home last night at about 7pm, we encountered a Cable & Wireless landrover on its way back down. Stunned and amazed (they don't usually work out of hours) we flagged them down and, yes, they had been trying to fix our 'phone. They told us they thought it was working but there was a "problem with the DP" and it was too dark to see.

It was late so I didn't question them. I just looked up "DP" on Google. The pictures it provided were - um - different. I have no idea what they had to do with telephones, other than the thought that anyone engaged in that particular activity would probably find it difficult to concentrate on locating a fault on our line, or anything else for that matter.

Maybe I should have paid more attention during my university lectures . . . .

Cable & Wireless

2011-10-04T17:01:00.000Z

Cable & Wireless (St. Helena) is wonderful. Everything it does is marvellous. Its charges are entirely reasonable. It is diligent in maintaining its equipment and the things that go wrong (so rarely they’re hardly worth a mention) do so for reasons that no organisation could predict or prevent. Its quality of service is legendary. If there was an alternative operator providing a free service we wouldn't switch.

So that fact that the ‘phone they fixed yesterday has failed again 24 hours later can in no way be their fault. And the fact that they are too busy to come out for two days, even though they supposedly provide a next day service for business customers, is not something I would want to reprimand them for.

After all, when you live in one of the most isolated spots on the island, what need have you of a working ‘phone? If the house caught fire and we couldn’t call the fire brigade we’d be happy to let it burn. And if anyone was trapped inside we’d accept that their death was just one of those things and not at all the fault of Cable & Wireless. Ditto if anyone at the house suffered a heart attack or life-threatening injury and we couldn’t call an ambulance.

And although our business depends on communicating with people, our customers won’t mind if we don’t reply to their emails and ‘phone calls because there are plenty of other businesses they can go to.

So take your time, guys. Pop round when it’s convenient to you. Don’t feel under any pressure. And don’t worry if your next attempt at fixing it doesn’t work. You can always come out again several days later. It’s a nice drive down to Blue Hill. Take a picnic and enjoy the day out. Have a go at the 'phone if you feel in the mood.

Some people have suggested I don’t have the appropriate amount of respect for Cable & Wireless. I hope this posting clarifies the matter.

A remarkable coincidence

2011-10-03T14:43:00.000Z

Having blogged about Cable & Wireless this morning, I now have more to say about them.

They turned up at the building next door (to Moonbeams) just after 9 this morning to connect a ‘phone line. A few minutes after they’d finished and departed we (at Moonbeams) noticed our Internet connection wasn’t working. We quickly identified the cause as being an extremely crackly ‘phone line. Voice calls ware almost impossible so the poor little ADSL modem had given up in disgust and was sulking.

Now given that the engineers who installed the ‘phone next door had been working in the junction box that is shared between the two buildings, I naturally assumed that, while connecting next door’s ‘phone, they had disturbed the wiring to ours. After all, our ‘phone was working fine before they arrived and wasn’t immediately after they left. As an experienced engineer myself I know that when something stops working, the first question you ask is “what's been changed?”

After considerable chasing of Cable & Wireless, the engineers returned just after lunch to fix the fault. I told them my supposition, not being nasty but simply to provide a base from which they might begin searching. I then left them to it and, within an hour, the fault was fixed.

They assured me that the fault on our line was in no way as a result of their earlier activities. Absolutely no connection between the two events. So keen were they to convince me, they even showed me a piece of cable, supposedly showing ‘normal wear and tear’ (to me it looked like someone had hacked at it with a Stanley knife, but what do I know? – I’ve only been doing electronics for about forty years).

So there it is. It was just a coincidence. The engineers hadn’t caused the problem at all.

The St. Helena Independent last Friday, on page 20, refers to them as “Cable & Worthless”. I wonder if that’s a typo or another coincidence?

Engage brain before . . .

2011-10-03T09:36:00.000Z

. . . answering the telephone. Even if it is 08:30 on Monday. I report, as close to verbatim as I can, a conversation with the 'faults' desk at our telephone provider, Cable & Wireless.

C&W: "Faults, how can I help?"

JT: "My telephone has gone out of order yet again" (this is the third failure in a many months)

C&W: “What’s the problem?”

JT: “It doesn’t work. " (thinks: OK, John. Don't be difficult. Explain a bit more.) "There’s no dial tone.”

C&W: “OK, thank you, I’ll report that”

JT: “Don’t you need me to tell you the number?”

C&W: “It’s OK, I can see the number you’re calling from on my screen”

JT: “But the number I’m calling from obviously isn’t the one that doesn’t work.”

Pause. My fancy tells me I could hear the distant sound of brain-gears grinding.

C&W: “What number are you reporting?”

The wonder of the Wikipedia

2011-10-01T10:33:00.000Z

The wonder of the Wikipedia is that it is accurate and detailed.

The big problem with the Wikipedia is that it is accurate and detailed.

I quote from the page on Arctic Oscillation (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arctic_oscillation):

The Arctic oscillation (AO) or Northern Annular Mode/Northern Hemisphere Annular Mode (NAM) is an index (which varies over time with no particular periodicity) of the dominant pattern of non-seasonal sea-level pressure variations north of 20N latitude, and it is characterized by pressure anomalies of one sign in the Arctic with the opposite anomalies centered about 37-45N.[1] The AO is believed by climatologists to be causally related to, and thus partially predictive of, weather patterns in locations many thousands of miles away, including many of the major population centers of Europe and North America. NASA climatologist Dr. James Hansen explains the mechanism by which the AO affects weather at points so distant from the Arctic: "The degree to which Arctic air penetrates into middle latitudes is related to the AO index, which is defined by surface atmospheric pressure patterns. When the AO index is positive, surface pressure is low in the polar region. This helps the middle latitude jet stream to blow strongly and consistently from west to east, thus keeping cold Arctic air locked in the polar region. When the AO index is negative, there tends to be high pressure in the polar region, weaker zonal winds, and greater movement of frigid polar air into middle latitudes." This zonally symmetric seesaw between sea level pressures in polar and temperate latitudes was first identified by Edward Lorenz [2] and named in 1998 by David W.J. Thompson and John Michael Wallace.[3]

So now you know.

Facebook - a reply to Bill

2011-09-30T17:42:00.000Z

If someone could convince me that global anarchy could be created by hacking into a Facebook account I'd see the need for all this security. But if the only consequence is that someone could claim I'd had pork chops for dinner when I'd really had chicken, I don't see the point.

PS: I tried to post this as a comment but Google said "We are sorry, but we were unable to complete your request. The following errors were found: Input error: Cookie value is null for FormRestoration ", which I suppose sums it up.

Now, what shall I have for dinner . . .

Facebook

2011-09-30T15:23:00.000Z

I have a Facebook account. I'm not sure why, but I do. Maybe you do too. If so, have you ever tried logging into it from a different computer to the one you usually use? You get
"Your account has been blocked."

The explanation given is that, as you haven't used this computer before, you must prove that you really are the owner before you can proceed. Which you do firstly by screwing up your eyes trying to read one of those stupid mangled-letters things, and then by answering about a million questions that only you could possibly know the answer to - like "who is the person in this blurred, pixellated photo of something that could be one of your friends, or maybe a relative, or even yourself, but which looks mostly like the Loch Ness Monster".

All of this is to keep anyone from gaining unauthorised access to your Facebook account.

Hmm.

This is a Facebook account we're talking about here.

If this was the entry point for NORAD (does that still exist), or the Ministry of Defence, then maybe it would be sensible to be careful. But for a Facebook account? I need to spend half my day reassuring Facebook that I am who I claim to be just so I can find out what my friends had for breakfast?

I can log onto my UK bank from just about anywhere in the world using three pieces of memorable data, and with this access I can move millions in seconds (or could, if I had any millions to move). But it takes hours to find out if someone has sent me a Floppy Bunny Love Heart or some other such piece of rubbish.

It strikes me that the people at Facebook have lost sight of the actual import of their system. Which is, Zero.

I'd write to them and complain, except that I can't figure out whether that blob is a face or a fingerprint on the camera lens . . .

Twenty percent of nothing is forty pence

2011-09-20T11:54:00.000Z

One of Moonbeams' suppliers sent us a few free samples of their greetings cards, which was nice of them. If you're in retailing in the UK or any other developed country you're probably familiar with this. But you won't perhaps have experienced the following.
I got a call from Customs down at the wharf asking us to pick up our package. We did the "what package?" bit, because we knew we had no orders coming on the most recent ship. Eventually I agreed to go down and look at it with them, which I did and discovered the aforementioned free samples. Then came the question of paying the duty.

Greeting cards are charged duty at 20%. So the nice people at Customs started to fill out the form, and wrote in all the details until they came to price.

"What did they cost?"

"Nothing. They're free samples."

Apparently you can't write zero in the ‘value-of-goods box’. If you do the world will end in a cataclysmic apocalypse (please forgive the obvious tautology).

“What would you have paid for these in the UK?”

"Nothing. They're free samples."

“OK, well what are they worth?”

I really didn’t want to be unhelpful (no, really), but without examining them in detail I had no idea if we could sell them here. People buy cards according to local taste and custom and what is acceptable here is different to what goes in the UK. Joke cards are not big here. Cards with sentimental verses are. My memory is that the opposite is true in the UK (though it may have changed in the nearly seven years since I was last there). Maybe we would not be able to do anything with them at all, in which case their value would also be zero. I tried explaining that, but as nobody wants to trigger an apocalypse, cataclysmic or otherwise, we had to negotiate a value. My somewhat facetious suggestion of ten pence was rejected, as was my slightly less silly offer of £1.

Eventually we settled on £2, thus preventing Armageddon and costing me 40 pence (which the nice lady at Customs lent to me from her own pocket because I hadn’t thought to take any money down with me).

The “20% on everything” rule leads to strange consequences, including the need to pay duty on Christmas presents and even on junk-mail catalogues. There must be a better way. I’ll figure it out one day, if I get a break between filling in Customs forms . . .

If marriage is on the cards . . .

2011-09-18T11:23:00.000Z

If, for you, marriage is on the cards, just remember this:

First it's Hearts

Then it's Diamonds

Then it's Clubs

And finally it's Spades

Sorry, the selected country is not supported for verification.

2011-09-16T15:20:00.000Z

Google, it seems, no longer wants members in St. Helena.

If you try to set up a new Google account, it accepts your details and then tells you they need to send you a verification code. The options are text message or automated ‘phone verification. There are, as previously mentioned, no mobile ‘phones here, so you click automated ‘phone verification and it tells you this is not available for St. Helena numbers.

And that’s it. No alternative.

The message is clear – the people at Google don’t know where St. Helena is and so, if they haven’t heard of it, it obviously doesn’t exist.

Or, if it does exist, it must be a hotbed of terrorists and drug smugglers and under the Patriot Act they daren’t allow anyone from there to sign up to their systems.

Thanks, guys. We appreciate your xenophobia.

Google used to be little and good. Now it’s big and crap. Why do they all go that way?

Queer News

2011-09-16T10:58:00.000Z

WARNING: you may need to switch off your 'politically correct' filter before reading on. Done that? OK.

So I get another of these Google alerts about St. Helena and it's an article in 'The Phuket Gazette' about a boat made in Thailand that's going to sail around the world. St. Helena is mentioned as one of the stopping points, which is why I got the alert. But that's not what interested me.

Scanning around the page I saw a link for "Queer News". To a person of my generation that could only mean one thing. It's not a term I would use, of course. But because it's not a word that anyone uses anymore (at least not in polite circles) I suppose my brain has never overwritten it with a new meaning.

And knowing about the famous Thai 'ladyboys' . . .

The page, as I'm sure you've guessed, is what others would call 'oddly enough' or 'trivia' - the oldest person to swim the English Channel, the fact that Lady Gaga holds the record for most followers on Twitter, and suchlike. No ladyboys at all.

One link on the page offers that I can "Click here to add our queer news to your website".

I don't think I will.

Not as extinct as I'd assumed

2011-09-14T10:36:00.000Z

I have the automated monitor that emails me if an article mentioning St. Helena is published anywhere on the Internet (or, at least, anywhere that Google searches). Several of the articles on our family website were brought to my attention by this useful tool. I mention this because today it alerted me to an item published in Pravda.

Pravda? Wasn’t that the official propaganda newspaper of the Soviet Union? That can’t still be going, surely? But it is.

The word ‘Pravda’ is Russian for Truth, and was a frequent source of amusement for me during the cold war, making as it did completely ridiculous claims about the wonders of life in the Soviet Union and telling the Western world how terrible our lives were because we weren’t ‘free’ like the glorious Soviet peoples. Its ‘truth’ was that of George Orwell’s Ministry of Truth. Put simply, it told lies. Glorious ones, too. Nothing ever went wrong in the Soviet Union unless it was the fault of anti-communist agents. You get the idea. I used to love listening to Radio Moscow (on Shortwave) for the same reason. Indeed, if you had a good receiver you could listen to the Radio Moscow version, Voice of America version, BBC version and – just for a laugh – Radio Albania version (they were so far left they thought the Russians were almost capitalists) and then make up your own mind which you wanted to believe – if any. Which of these was ‘truth’ depended on your point of view. I have always thought Pontious Pilate’s famous question was far more perceptive than he was ever given credit for.

But I digress.

Pravda, it seems, has not died. It still exists – at http://english.pravda.ru/ (or http://pravda.ru/ if you can read Russian and your computer supports Cyrillic script). Indeed, according to the Wikipedia there are several of them! And I did enjoy reading the article about the nicknames of countries and how they arise. Apparently Finland’s name, in their own language, means ‘swamp land’, which I gather is a fairly accurate description, at least on the few days a year when everything isn’t frozen solid.

Of course, whether this is true or not may depend on your point of view.

I probably should research this.

I wonder if Radio Albania is still going . . . .?

I've Been Invited to Try MyWilson!

2011-09-10T10:38:00.001Z

It's junk email time again!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
You're Invited to Try MyWilson

From: "MyWilson" info@mywilson.com

Let MyWilson be your personal trainer for the next 15 Days. This is a Free Trial Limited to the first 500 people to sign-up.

MyWilson sends motivational text messages directly to your phone that remind you to eat right and stay active throughout the week. Motivational Text Messaging is proving to be an effective way to keep people accountable - particularly when it comes to weight loss.

5-Second Sign-Up: http://www.mywilson.com
Holly Y.
MyWilson, Inc.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm struggling to find words to express how much I don't want "motivational text messages directly to [my] phone that remind [me] to eat right and stay active throughout the week", even assuming that I had a mobile 'phone to receive said text messages. I'm finding it equally difficult to imagine who would want that. I can just envisage the look on the bank manager's face when they went for funding and outlined their brilliant business idea.

If you feel that your life would be enriched by their inputs you can contact them as above. You might also benefit from Googling "Psychiatric Help".

And could someone please explain the name? The only "Wilson" I can think of is (was) Harold, who presided over the decline of the UK economy during much of the sixties and early seventies. Can't be him, surely?

Nostalgia

2011-08-22T16:07:00.000Z

The original purpose of blogging was to provide a list of useful websites. Hence the (original) term - weblog.

I can't think of anyone that uses blogs for that purpose anymore, but in recognition of the origins of the medium, here's a website you may enjoy: http://www.televisiontunes.com/

If you have ever watched TV, on this site you will find the theme tunes for all your favourite programmes - ever. Thinking of an obscure TV programme, or something you used to watch with mother in the days when TV was in black-and-white and you had to bang the set to get a picture? It's there. Something your kids loved? It's there as well. Something you watched yesterday? That too. All downloadable as MP3 files, no less!

Thoroughly recommended, with just one caveat. If, like us, you have a limited amount of download data allowance, be careful. Be very careful. And make sure the boss doesn't catch you . . . the big grin on your face may be a giveaway.

For your safety and security

2011-08-17T11:20:00.000Z

I wrote about earwigs. Bill H posted a comment. I tried to post a comment to his comment. Google said "Your current account does not have access to view this page."

It seems I can't post comments on my own Blog. I can create postings. I can approve other people's comments. I can change the entire layout to have pink dancing elephants on a purple background. I can send the entire Blog to data heaven. But I don't have permission to add comments.

No doubt if I could be bothered to scan through the FAQ on blogging I'd discover that this restriction has been imposed for my "safety and security". That's the usual excuse for not letting you do something. Microsoft, Google and all the other makers of software spend a lot of time stoppoing me from doing things I want to do, apparently to protect me from my own stupidity. I probably should be grateful that they care but I'm not. I'm irritated. I'm an adult. If I want to destroy my personal environment that's up to me - I don't want mega corporations saving me from myself.

If I thought anyone would listen I'd tell them.

In search of earwigs

2011-08-11T11:58:00.000Z

A chap called Tom Sadowski, who writes for freepressonline.com wants to come to Saint Helena in search of giant earwigs. They haven't be sighted since 1967, so he may be disappointed, but I like his plan anyway, if only because he wants to bring "a movie star for publicity and to add drama and sexy overtones to the adventure." He proposes Halle Berry or Angelina Jolie. That works for me!

His complete article, which makes good reading, is at http://freepressonline.com/main.asp?SectionID=50&SubSectionID=72&ArticleID=14290

The Happy Priest on Helping Men be Free from Lust

2011-08-10T10:08:00.000Z

I have a "Google Alert" set for the phrase "Saint Helena" to see what is being said about the island, though it of course matches lots of other uses of the term, including an article in "Catholic Online" with the above title.

"Many men are controlled by Lust" it informs me, and goes on to tell me what Lust is ("a very powerful sin") and that it "is a real problem for most men".

Apparently "Contraception increases Lust and decreases any chance of a man living a chaste life", which sounds to me like a fascinating attempt to promote a particularly Catholic point of view, but I suppose that's not surprising. Reading the article, with its repeated recommendations for "Chastity", I couldn't help wondering whether it was a reprint of something first published in the late 19th century, but apparently it was actually written yesterday. Score one for those who say the Catholic Church is way out of touch with how most people think today.

But despite all this, what fascinated me most about the article is that, unless I've misunderstood it, Lust seems to be an exclusively male problem. Women, it seems, do not suffer from Lust, or at least, not women in Corpus Christi, Texas.

That was quite a revelation! I think if ever I find myself single again, I'll stay well away from Corpus Christi, Texas.

"The Safe Bet is No Longer the Smart Bet"

2011-08-10T09:29:00.000Z

Yes, another subject line from one of the various email newsletters I regularly receive (and, far less regularly, actually read).

Got me thinking: was it ever?

Safe = low risk and low return. Put your money in a big established bank (well, that used to be fairly safe, anyway). Less safe = take a bit of a risk and hope for a higher return. Invest in an established company.
Highly unsafe = invest in a business startup. You may make a fortune but maybe you'll lose the lot.

So was the smart bet ever the safe one? Did anyone ever get rich by keeping their money in a bank account? The bank here currently pays savers about 3/4 of the rate of inflation, so the longer you leave your money there, the less it is worth, in real terms. Definitely not a smart bet!

So, no, I conclude, the safe bet was never the smart one. Anyone disagree?

Dreaming

2011-08-08T17:01:00.000Z

"I have a dream that my children will one day live in a nation where they will be judged not by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

Moving in opposing directions?

2011-08-05T14:08:00.000Z

This week’s St. Helena Independent is all about tourism and all the activities that are taking place to encourage visitors. Well, almost.

P10: Vince Thompson’s piece on Tourism and how important it is to St. Helena.

P18/19: The importance of Tourism probably gets mentioned at least once in the SHDA report, though I confess I've only scanned it so far

P20: Announcement of new brochures to promote Tourism

P22/23: Update on the island’s Strategic Planning for Tourism

And last, but by no means least,

P31: The shipping agents announce that they are going to make baggage handling even more inconvenient for tourists than it already is. At London Heathrow, one of the world’s most security-conscious airports, baggage is required three hours before departure. In St. Helena, where the probability of a terrorist attack is marginally smaller than the risk of snow, it’s now 24 hours.

I love this island!

Rumours of it's death may be exaggerated

2011-07-21T11:47:00.000Z

More than ten years ago, I and some colleagues spent a lot of time helping businesses – banks, mostly - get ready for the arrival of the euro. Sadly I was so busy on the actual date of its creation to go to any of the celebrations, but that’s life.

The process for creating the euro was well defined, but the oft-asked question, particularly from the more euro-sceptic British and American’s, was: what happens if the euro fails and they have to break it up? Our standard answer was that there was nothing in the treaty. In that sense the treaty was more like a marriage than a conventional business contract, because it had no exit clause. The authors of the euro either believed, or just wanted everyone else to believe, that adoption of the euro was a permanent change.

Everything we see around us tells us that nothing is permanent. Mountains come and go. Entire solar systems too. It is the natural order of things that they have a beginning, a middle and an end. And yet humanity still persists in making changes and assuming we will never need to unmake them.

Not having an exit clause in the euro won’t stop it from breaking up, any more than not permitting divorce prevented unhappily married couples from separating; they just lived separately and remained married only legally. Maybe something like that is the face-saving compromise for the euro. I can’t imagine admitting defeat is high on the agenda in Brussels (though in Berlin perhaps it’s a different story).

Shall I rush back to London to set up shop as a euro-breakup consultant? I don’t think so. Rumours of its death may be exaggerated, and anyway there isn’t another ship until next month. If anyone wants my assistance in altering their business operations for the re-creation of the Drachma, Escudo and even the Lira, for now they can drop me an email. I may be able to help and if not I’ll refer them to some very reliable former colleagues who will be happy to advise. For the immediate future, helping local businesses get started or expand is keeping me busy enough, thanks.

But if anyone wants to invite me to the euro’s wake (and they’re happy to pay my expenses) I’ll be on the next ship . . .

'Allo 'Allo

2011-07-11T15:22:00.000Z

At Moonbeams this morning we were besieged!

It starts off normally - the 'phone rings. You pick it up and say something meaningful. “Moonbeams, Good Morning, How can we help?” for example. But instead of a bright, friendly English-speaking voice, or even, for that matter, a grumpy or sulky English-speaking voice, you get "'allo? 'allo?" which continues until you put the 'phone down.

Normally it happens only once or twice. Occasionally the caller takes a little longer to get the message that they have the wrong number. But this morning we were subjected to a barrage, the tenacity of which defies belief.

The ‘phone rang almost continuously. No sooner had we put it down then it rang again. Some of the calls failed to connect. Some went dead as soon as we picked up. For the others, Mr or Mrs Allo was on the line, repeating their chant.

We tried saying “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.” We tried just hanging up. We tried reporting it to Cable & Wireless (the operator offered to “log a fault”). We even switched on the answering machine and switched off the ‘phone ringer for half an hour. The ‘phone still rang continuously and we collected sixteen messages where they were still on the line by the time our outgoing message had completed, to say nothing of the ones that didn’t get that far.

You pick up the ‘phone. You dial. You get someone who is not the person you intended. You apologise and dial again, this time more carefully. And if you do disturb the same person for a second time you apologise even more profusely and conclude that the number you are dialling is not the correct one and you give up and communicate with the person another way. You do not, repeat not … NOT! press redial a hundred times, just in case, by some miracle, an ostensibly deterministic ‘phone system will, this time, despite what it did all the other 99 times when you pressed redial, connect you to your friend in Madrid, or wherever.

So if you are a genuine customer who tried to get us this morning and got the answering machine, please call again. We will be delighted to take your call.

And if you are the person who was driving us up the wall for three hours this morning with your incessant stupidity, words cannot express our feelings towards you (well, they can, but not the sort of words I’m prepared to write in this blog).

No such thing as a free lunch

2011-07-08T13:05:00.000Z

I received an email today offering me a free lunch, from my nearest subway outlet of [no, I'm not going to publicise them].

My guess is that it's an American chain - firstly because the link is to a .com, and secondly because the term "Subway" does not mean the same thing in the UK. UK Subways, in my experience, are dark dank footpaths under a major road, usually equipped with a few winos, someone who is attempting to collect money by massacring a contemporary pop song, and at least one pool of vomit, urine or occasionally blood. I certainly wouldn’t want to eat in one of those. It always amazes me that you find used condoms in subways. How could anyone have sex in an environment like that? Or do people have sex somewhere more pleasant and then drop the used condom off in the subway on their way home? But I digress . . .

So this chain proposes I can click on the supplied link, print off a coupon, and take it to my nearest Subway for a free meal. Cool!

If I read my map correctly, the closest USA city to St. Helena is probably Miami. I don’t know if Miami has subways, but let’s assume it has. So I get on the RMS and sail the seven-day trip to Cape Town. There I get a flight to somewhere in the USA, and a connecting flight to Miami. I have my free lunch, and then retrace my steps. If I’m lucky I will be away for less than a month, but if the flights and ship don’t connect it could be six or eight weeks. Cost of travel alone is likely to be two or three thousand pounds, plus the loss of earnings while I’m away from my business. Quite a large expenditure for a free meal.

So, on balance, I think I’ll pass*. If you’re in or going to Miami, or anywhere else in the USA that has subways, let me know and I’ll send you the link. I hope you enjoy your meal.

* there's an under-pass joke there somewhere I think . . .

Your credit card is one week overdue

2011-07-07T11:19:00.000Z

So says the title line in an email I've just received. I know, of course, that this is spam, both because no reputable card company would ever send such an email (customer confidentiality, and all that), but also because I don't actually have a credit card. Hardly anyone takes them here and apart from orderign things on the Internet, for which a debit card is fine, they are not much use.

But it started me thinking. Anywhere else in the world that message would have got my attention. Which leads me to the thought that the people who create these spam messages are really good at advertising and promotion. Quite a lot of them have subject lines that catch your eye, and you have to think to prevent yourself from opening them automatically. And I'm not just talking about the "Naked pictures of " variety.

So what puzzles me is: why don't these people get jobs in main-stream advertising agencies? If they're that good, surely they could make the grade in the legitimate world? Anybody know? Does spam-creation pay so well they couldn't afford to go legit? I doubt it.

Or maybe - now thinking with my deviousness engaged - these spam headlines are actually generated by legitimate ad agencies. Maybe they use them to test market slogans. Mybe they use them as a training ground for would-be copy writers. Maybe every time you actually open one of these emails, someone somewhere gets another micrometer closer to that much desired corner office. I think we should be told!

The person you called is unavailable . . .

2011-06-30T09:40:00.000Z

I spotted an exchange of emails recently to the effect that some tourists are surprised to learn that there is no mobile 'phone service on St. Helena. We also sometimes get people coming into Moonbeams who are amazed to hear that we can't supply a replacement for the specific type of battery that their obscure make of camera uses, or a power lead for their cutting-edge-of-technology only-released-last-week palmtop-gizmo, etc. etc.

This is entirely understandable. Almost anywhere you go in the world these days you can whip out your mobile 'phone and make a call. Or text a friend to say that, ys t rlly s lng clmb p Evrst bt th vw s grt s pr th ttchd pht*. Or pop into a pharmacy and buy all those chemicals that you think your life depends on. Or drop into the local computer shop and buy the latest technological solution to whatever problem it is that the salesman persuades you that you have. So it’s hardly surprising that it never occurs to some of our visitors that St. Helena (47SqMl, pop 4,000) does not provide these things.

But my advice to visitors is this: instead of complaining – consider it as a benefit. See the problem as an opportunity. Revel in the fact that your work colleagues can’t ring you up in the middle of an enjoyable afternoon to ask you a question, the answer to which they could have figured out for themselves if it hadn’t been so much easier to disturb you. Enjoy the full expanse of the scenery, rather than going goggle eyed trying to fit it onto a 3 inch by 4 inch screen. Savour the moment without attempting to reduce it to twenty five words, none of which have vowels. And if you can’t buy it here, the chances are you don’t really need it as much as you might think you do. And if you really really really need it, ask around – someone can probably make you up one from plants growing wild or the bits salvaged from an old Ford Escort.

*For those of us who still only write English, that’s: yes, it really is a long climb up Everest but the view is great, as per the attached photo.

Help, I'm at risk from Botnets

2011-06-21T15:47:00.000Z

Further to my earlier post on the development of new words, I'm now warned that "Botnets cause great financial and reputational damage to their victims and are not effectively prevented by the current crop of solutions".

I called Public Health and asked if they had any Botnet traps or Botnet poison but apparently not. The hospital couldn't help either, though they did offer to check my blood pressure (presumably elevated blood pressure is a symptom of Botnet attack). I'd call the Insurance office to arrange cover but it's almost 4pm and they will have gone home. So if you never hear from me again, I was probably got by a Botnet in the middle of the night.

'No' to Blue Helmets in Blue Hill

2011-06-04T11:30:00.001Z

'According to the St. Helena Independent someone in Washington (that’s the one in America, I assume, not the one on Tyneside) has proposed we turn Blue Hill into a “retirement village for exiled dictators” and station a UN Peacekeeping force to keep order.

I’m stunned!

I do not, of course, agree with the proposal, but that’s not what I mean. I’m just amazed that anyone in Washington (either of them, for that matter) has ever heard of Blue Hill.

Blue Hill is probably the remotest part of this remote island. It’s about half an hour’s drive from Jamestown, which is too much for most people. It has no schools, no pubs, only one shop (unless there’s one I don’t know about) and very little else by way of facilities. The part where I live didn’t get proper TV reception until only a couple of years ago. In my view it’s the best place to live on the island. It’s quiet. It’s beautiful. The few people who are here are really friendly. The last thing we need is a bunch of failed despots. So I’m sure Blue Hill would vote ‘no’, even if the proposal did mean that they upgraded the infrastructure so that the lights stayed on and there wasn’t grass growing through the road surface.

You can read more about Blue Hill on the Wikipedia.

Yet another thing to worry about . . .

2011-06-02T11:00:00.001Z

A security company just sent me a report which, at great length, says that USB devices (data keys, etc.) pose a risk to computer systems because they can carry 'malware' and infect your computer network. I didn't need to be told that because this is a big problem on St. Helena.

At Moonbeams customers bring in photos on data keys for us to print, and we commonly have to wait a few minutes while our AV software removes all the trojans from the device before we can print the photos. Many customer are surprised at this. "But I have AV software", they say. When asked they name some freebie they downloaded from the Internet six months previously and never updated. That's why we use professional AV software rather than one of the free ones.

The report talks about proceses and procedures to avoid infection, most of which would probaby help but would be impractical in our environment. Our procedure is simple and has been, as far as we can tell, fully effective so far: we scan everything as soon as it's presented to us and we don't copy anything onto our computers until our AV software says it's clean.

And, if you're wondering why I haven't named our AV software provider, it's because we pay them a lot of money so they don't deserve free publicity as well! Suffice to say it's the one most global corporates use.

tks 4 rdng ths

2011-06-02T09:57:00.000Z

Some people work with machinery or tools; some with paintbrushes; as a management consultant I work a lot with words, so it’s probably not surprising that words and their development fascinate me.

I am sometimes amused to consider what our ancestors might think was intended by some modern phrases. I mention this because I just received an email for which the subject line was “Please tweet this blog”.

I’m not that ancient, but I can remember a time before there were any blogs to tweet. Come to think of it, so can most adults.

Is the speed of language development increasing? I always knew that one day my children would talk in a language I couldn’t understand. I’m hanging on by my fingertips and we’re not quite there yet (except when they speak in Saint), but it can’t be far off.

Anyway, tks 4 rdng ths.

The scariest thing on the planet?

2011-05-30T10:30:00.000Z

We don't get TV. It's too expensive for the very few programmes that we would want to watch. We rent DVDs instead. Recently our boys got very keen on C.S.I. We've been working our way through the series and I've noticed something I find odd. It's possible to show people being mutilated and killed in a variety of ingenious and sometimes incredible ways. If someone has been shot we are treated to an animation of the bullet tearing into the flesh. Decomposing bodies are laid out for us nightly, complete with maggots, flies, tapeworms and, on one occasion a rat, emerging from every conceivable part of the corpse. This, it seems, can all be shown on American TV without anyone questioning it.

But whenever the plot (if that's the word) calls for a couple to have sex, the woman always keeps her bra on.

There was even one episode where we saw a brief glimpse of the couple having sex before they died (in I can't remember which gruesome way) where she was actually topless, but when they found the bodies her bra had magically reaffixed itself. Our perhaps, in her death throes, possibly as her last living act, she put it back on. Who knows?

What is this American obsession with nudity? You can show mass mutilation of human beings on prime time television but not a nipple? Do Ameican women wear their bra at all times, even in the bath?

Only American TV seems to suffer from this manic nudeophobia. I'd dearly love to know why. Let me know if you can explain it.

Answering a rhetorical question

2011-04-30T09:59:00.001Z

An article in World Coin News has irritated me.

It begins by giving a potted - and somewhat opinionated - history of St. Helena, which in my experience of such articles usually means the author is keen to show off that he knows something he thinks his reader doesn't.

After telling us what he thinks is the truth about St. Helena (e.g. "Administrative ineptitude and corruption on top of ecological degradation ... brought a proposal from the governor to abandon the settlement") he then gets to the point (I assume) of the article, and rambles on about St. Helena's coins, and in particular the collectable coins that are sold from here, although why anyone would need to know what he is telling us remains a mystery to me.

But he irritated me by ending with the words "If [coins] weren’t around who would know anything about those places so far from everyplace else?"

I think I can help him there.

Q: Who would know about St. Helena if is wasn't for coins?
A: Anyone with an education.

Customs duties

2011-04-20T12:55:00.001Z

These changed recently, amid much comment which it would be improper for me to discuss. But I can add a little useful information about how the duties (old and new) are applied.

We queried what duty would be applied to 'memory cards'. They might be used in computers, and hence should be zero-rated like all computer parts, or they might be used in cameras, and hence would be rated at 20% like all cameras. We were told we had to pay 20%, and when we asked how this conclusion is reached, given that they have two uses, we were told that "whatever is its most expensive use, that's what you pay".

So if something is normally used for a purpose that would make it zero rated, but could, once in a blue moon and only then only if it's a Tuesday and raining, be used for another purpose that would rate it at 20%, then it's always rated at 20%.

This knowledge may be helpful when figuring out the rates of duty you have to pay.

Useless 'advice'

2011-04-20T11:29:00.000Z

McAfee, the anti-virus people, produce a thing called 'Site Advisor'. It's supposed to tell you if a website you just found on Google (for example) is safe to use, i.e. it won't fill your screen with popups and download malware onto your computer. It should be really useful, except that it is so out-of-date it's actually useless.

We launched moonbeamsforall.com 14 months ago, and McAfee still hasn't got around to testing it. We've tried emailing them but all we get is a polite but useless reply saying that there a trillions of new sites launched every millisecond (or some such nonsense) and they'll get around to it "soon". We even tried pointing out that we are customers - pay for their AV software - so surely we should get some sort of priority, but no - customers have to wait like everyone else.

Imagine if you went to the authorities and asked "is Dr. so-and-so a good doctor" and they said "I'm sorry, he's only been practicing for 14 months and we haven't got around to checking him out yet".

So all McAfee can tell you is that sites created about ten years ago are possibly safe but anything more recent they don't know about, which makes the whole thing completely useless.

A bit of a revelation

2011-04-15T21:15:00.002Z

Apropos something we were watching on a DVD I mentioned the book of Revelation, in The Bible. Harry asked about it, and Andrew helpfully defined it thus:

"It's about the end of the world. Satan coming along with 666 on his bonce like some sort of raffle ticket."

So now you know . . .

What condoms contain

2011-03-21T10:39:00.002Z

I love 'marketing speak'.

The spokesman for a french Condom maker is quoted as saying that, when designing their new range, they "decided to introduce a new kind of 'sophisticated' condom that holds a 'je ne sais quoi'."

Unless I'm very badly informed it's not 'je ne sais quoi' that a condom is designed to hold.

Despicable Me

2011-03-21T09:09:00.003Z

I watched the film "Despicable Me" over the weekend. Not one of the great works for cinema but a reasonably enjoyable film. I am, however, still laughing at one thing.

The 'hero' is actually a villan. He goes to the "Bank of Evil" to seek funding for his latest dastardly project. The film shows a large imposing bank-like door with the words "Bank of Evil" in large letters over the top.

And underneath it can be clearly seen to say "Formerly Lehman Brothers".

Are thick clients destined to become doorstops?

2011-03-19T09:14:00.004Z

The above question is posed in an email newsletter I received today. I read on and discovered it is asked in relation to 'cloud computing' which is - I believe - something about having machines that work in groups so you don't need to have everything installed on your PC to make it useful.

But the question itself appealed.

In my years as a management consultant I have encountered a few thick clients. They couldn't - or, maybe, wouldn't - see the truth, however clearly we presented it to them. Thinking back, a good number of them did become doorstops.

I once read the following (can't remember where):

"Sooner or later, in every organisation, its ability to survive in spite of itself, runs out."

So true . . .

Harry's School Trip

2011-02-05T09:01:00.003Z

Harry went on a school trip to see around Napoleon's house.

"How was the school trip?" we asked.

"Boring" he replied.

Knowing they had done the same school trip about three years ago when he was only seven, we asked:

"Did you learn anything new?"

to which he replied:

"No - they just told us all the same stuff but using longer words."

Not as Observant as I First Thought

2011-01-29T09:44:00.004Z

There's rarely anything in the newspaper to make me smile. Cry, despair and bang my head against a brick wall maybe (don't get me started) but not laugh. The following, from Vince's column, is that rare item:

I was checking the progress of the ARC Round the World yacht race after they left St Helena. The leading yacht was just about to leave the South Atlantic. The report from the yacht, sent to a website, included one observation that surprised me at first. Crew member Dee Caffari said, 'I think we are going to start a new club, the St Helena club, as we all float around going nowhere for awhile'. My first reaction was to think this person was only here for 3 days at most, during that short time they must really have got to know how things are in this Island at the moment. Then I realised the report was talking about the weather. The yacht was being slowed down by the light winds in the South Atlantic high pressure belt, otherwise known as the St Helena High.

A funny thing happened in the Post Office today

2011-01-20T17:07:00.006Z

(well, actually it was a few days ago, but I've just renewed my poetic licence . . .)

Catherine went to the Post Office to collect the mail.

(Post isn't delivered to your door here, or even to a metal box at the end of your track, as in the USA. If you want post you collect it from the post office, or by prior arrangement from a nearby shop. We don't have a nearby shop so to the Post Office she went. But I digress . . .)

There, amongst other things, was a supplier catalogue, sent from the UK. It was from a company that the shop's previous owners used. We decide we didn't think the stuff was right for this market, so we don't stock it. We haven't ordered anything for a year so they sent us a catalogue, presumably hoping to solicit an order.

Nothing odd about that, except that the nice people at the Post Office explained that catalogues are charged 30 pence wharfage (a local sort-of flat-rate tax on imports) plus 20% duty on the value of the catalogue.

"But the catalogue is free, so 20% of nothing is nothing", Catherine reasoned, but no. Apparantly she was expected to contact the supplier and obtain a valuation on what the catalogue would have cost if it had been sold (?) and then pay 20% of that. These, apparently, are the rules, set by HM Customs and politely but firmly enforced by the people at the Post Office.

"But I don't even want it", Catherine pleaded. But apparently she is still expected to pay the import taxes on it, even though it is a) unsolicited and b) unwanted.

Do you get charged tax on your junkmail?

When we lived in the UK the postman daily delivered (to our door, of course) dozens of junkmail items, all of which we immediately binned, and that was annoying enough. Had we had to pay for them as well I think I might have lost the plot.

Anyway Catherine refused to pay for the catalogue she didn't ask for and didn't want, and left it behind at the Post Office. Any day now we expect her to be hauled off to the Court and charged with evading customs duty; specifically 30p plus 20% of nothing.

Let's hope the fine is a percentage of the amount due, and not a flat rate.

Still here ...

2011-01-20T16:48:00.007Z

OK, so it's just over a year since I posted anything. We took over a shop on 1st February 2010 (http://moonbeamsforall.com if you're interested - and even if you aren't) and we've been a little busy getting it organised and running smoothly. But that's a fairly weak excuse, I admit.

Whatever.

Two things prompted me to post something today.

Firstly, someone stopped me in the street today and enthused about the blog I wrote when we were first here - Notes from St. Helena. He was very complimentary about it and said he laughed out load at times while reading it. It's nice to know that something I wrote all that time ago still has the power to improve someone's day.

Secondly a funny thing happened and I felt I should relate it.

It's in the next post . . .

Customer service

2010-01-02T11:45:00.002Z

Don’t let anyone tell you there’s no customer service on St. Helena. This is sometimes claimed (mostly, as far as I can tell, by disaffected expats who can’t persuade the shopkeepers to stock the particular obscure brand of yoghurt that is their own peculiar fancy) but it not true.

For example, our car has broken down so we were not today able to go into town to collect our bread order from Melvyn's bakery. We 'phoned them to apologise and suggested they just sell the bread and we’d manage. They ‘phoned us back ten minutes later and advised that they had called around, identified someone who lives near us and was in town, and arranged with him to carry it out here to deliver to us. Oh, and we can pay for it next time we’re in town - no hurry.

OK, Tesco has more varieties of yoghurt but will they do that for you?

There are more examples here: NotesFromStHelena: February 2005: see the post "The shopping experience"

I was only joking . . . honestly!

2009-12-04T15:03:00.006Z

SaintFM carried a news item this week advising that Lord Ashcroft will soon overfly St. Helena in his private jet, on his way from South America to Africa (or maybe it was the other way - it wasn't that important to me so I didn't take notes).

In fun (honestly) I emailed a few people to suggest that we set up a massive banner, strung between two high points, saying "We want an airport!", or some such. I even included a picture.

OK, it was only marginally amusing, I admit.

However, a project planning committee seems to have appointed itself and, based on the last email I saw, is now investigated the possibility of obtaining a large number of stones, whitewashing them, and spelling out something suitable on the ground at Francis Plain (with debate centering on the problem that the over-flight schedule will clash with a football match).

The so called "Bailey Bridge" project - a sort of tethered pontoon and gangplank affair to help with ship landings - was, I suspect, a similar flight of offhand fantasy (not mine) that got seriously taken onboard (so to speak) and is now not only nearly a reality but it was announced today that the Chief Secretary is getting cross because it isn’t working yet.

On the positive side, at least it means people aren’t just giving up on the airport, despite it being (by any reasonable political judgement) slightly less likely than finding Shergar being led down Main Street by Elvis and Lord Lucan and with Glenn Millar on his back (on the back of Shergar, I mean – not that it matters).

But I suspect that what it really shows is how desperate the island is for someone (anyone) to do something (anything) about improving access.

"Saints selected option C"

2009-11-01T18:46:00.006Z

There are some interesting stats in the Independent on page 7 about who voted for what. It's an incomplete set but it does give HMG an option to announce that "Saints selected option C".

Here's how they could justify it:

From the figures in the Independent, about 3,500 Saints voted for either A or B.

There are about 8,000 Saints worldwide

So HMG could easily claim that the 4,500 who didn't express an opinion were happy with HMG's proposal - a majority for Option C.

Let's see what happens . . .

Mobile buildings

2009-10-07T12:42:00.002Z

Bank of St. Helena has announced on Clique 4 that it is selling a building . . . on an "As is / Where is basis".

"As is" I get, but why "Where is"?

Fish Cakes, Napoleon's favourite

2009-08-27T16:11:00.000Z

Fish Cakes, Napoleon's favourite

On the subject of cooking (which we were before my rant about Bing) this may amuse. Whether Napoleon ate fishcakes may never be known but if you come to St. Helena you should try them. The amount of 'bite' (i.e. spice) varies depending on where you get them so if you don't like chilli you might be wise to check first.

Bing is useless

2009-08-27T08:46:00.000Z

training St. Helena -(dog california napa) - Bing

Try the above. Despite the fact that (supposedly) the words "napa" and "california" have been specifically excluded, the results are stil mostly from the USA, including some that even say "napa" on the preview line!

Google is better - at least they have realised that there is human existence outside the boundaries of the united states.

What's cooking in the Burgh House Kitchen

2009-08-26T18:26:00.001Z

I don't know but it smells delicious . . .

We've finally, after much "I don't have the time"ing and "I wouldn't know what to write"ing, persuaded Catherine to start a blog. It's called "What's cooking in the Burgh House Kitchen" and you can view it on the Burgh House Kitchen website or by following the posting link above.

Hopefully it will contain some useful St. Helena recipes ('1001 things to do with Tuna', perhaps) and other cookery stuff, and hopefully not to many complaints about me being too busy to load the dishwasher or forgetting to put the butter away.

Or it may be that she really doesn't have the time and can't think what to write, in which case it may be the shortest blog in the (admittedly short) history of blogging.

Got to go now - dinner's ready.

Are you feeling paranoid today?

2009-08-21T11:38:00.004Z

If so maybe you'd like to waste some of your money on this: https://www.reputationdefender.com/myreputation.

For an astonishing (well, I was) £15/month they will "work tirelessly" to ensure that every single mention of you on the Internet is something you would agree with. And if you are being talked down somewhere, for a further £30 they'll try to persuade the person in question to change their information to something you like.

I had a look at the FAQ and found this:
Q: Can you Correct ANY content on the Internet?
A: No. The same general rules apply. We are respectful of First Amendment issues. Once we start on our process, we can't offer refunds or guarantees for our efforts, since our labor for this can be quite substantial, and this is a very hard job.

In other words, you pay your £15/month, and you pay your £30 when you find something that you dislike, and then they (I'm paraphrasing here) have a go at helping you.

That's it. No promises, no comebacks and definitely no refunds.

I read the FAQ again, but what I suspect is the most frequently asked question wasn't listed:
Q: What sort of paranoid idiot would pay for this service?

Please email me if you know the answer. In the meantime, having now openly attacked the reputation of MyReputation.com I shall wait for them to have a go at getting me to take down this posting.

Too busy . . .

2009-08-20T19:20:00.001Z

. . . to post anything.

2009-07-03T09:15:00.001Z

Sharon Wainwright’s Update on the Airport Consultation
It has now been a week since Rosemary Stevenson, who’s leading on the airport consultation, has left the island.

I am pleased to report back that Rosemary’s visit was a huge success with almost 1,000 people meeting up with her over the course of the week. Knowing how difficult it was for people to find the motivation to give up their time to sit through yet another consultation process, I would like to extend a personal thank you to everyone who participated and stood up and articulately expressed their views and concerns.

It is no secret that Rosemary left with the message from a significantly overwhelming number of people (around 90%), that Option A - BUILD THE AIRPORT NOW, was the only option that would result in economic growth and pave the way for a self sustaining future for St Helena. Of the other two options, around 9% supported Option B- COMMISSIONING A NEW SHIP and less than a handful supported Option C – TO DEFER THE DECISION FOR UP TO FIVE YEARS. In fact, what we found was that well over 90% of people made it very clear, regardless of which way they voted, that Option C would be disastrous for St Helena and the current pause alone was already encouraging more people to leave.

Across the 90% of people in support of air access, there were a number of powerful and compelling reasons given.

There were Companies and local investors who made it very clear that anything other than Option A would mean no development and a slow death for them. They expressed their concerns that the customer base (that is the amount of customers who use their business) is already too low and continuing to shrink as people move out. This results in spreading the costs over a smaller amount of people to keep businesses afloat, (hence continuing rising prices), or cutting staff or winding the businesses up completely.

There were also clear messages coming from businesses and public services about the difficulty of finding and retaining staff and the frustrations of investing in training staff only to find they leave for better paid employment offshore. For example, the Health and Education services are struggling to keep going as they continue to lose trained and skilled Nurses and Teachers to better paying but perhaps less mentally rewarding jobs on Ascension and the Falkland Islands.
A group of our young adults aged between 17 and 25 also gave a powerful message. They made their frustrations very clear. They were frustrated with the limited education curriculum, the limited career opportunities, the low salaries and the social isolation as they remain here and watch their friends leave. They felt that they and a lot like them were simply plodding on and as long as they stayed here, would lose their drive and ambition. Out of the 14 that came to see Rosemary, 7 of them confirmed they were already making arrangements to leave even though they didn’t want to. They were unanimous that St Helena needed to change quickly and only an airport could bring positive change.

There was talk of evidence that those children, who had lost both parents to overseas employment, were suffering from behavioural and integration problems. One grandparent spoke of how their bright young grandchild became so traumatised by his parent’s departure that he withdrew into himself and lost the ability to develop at the level he had been doing previously.

Another 70 year old grandparent spoke about how she’s caring for her young grandchild who’s at a difficult age but even though she’s very tired, she feels she’s got no choice but to do it because her daughter needs to work abroad to make some money for at least another year.

One young career minded person spoke about how she had studied hard at school and went overseas to continue studying and then came back to work here but still can’t afford a car or to take a loan for a house and yet she watches her friends taking cleaning jobs on Ascension and the Falklands and being able to afford these things. She believes that although she’ll fight it for as long as possible in the hope that an airport will come, without it, she will be forced to leave. There were other young people who voiced similar concerns.

There were also views from some of the elderly members of our community who were struggling on £60 per week per couple. They believed that continuing as we are with a ship would not help to make life better for them and something needed to change urgently.

Of the 9% of people that voiced a preference for Option B- COMMISSIONING A NEW SHIP, some admitted that they knew keeping the ship would not help the island to develop nor help to bring our young people opportunities but they liked the ship and felt comfortable with it and preferred to travel on it.

We found that one of the main reasons given for wanting a ship was a concern that with the airport, the poor will get poorer and the rich will get richer.

I’d like to respond to that concern by saying firstly that we already have the poor getting poorer as the prices for foodstuffs and services are rising while the salaries and wages aren’t growing at the same speed. It follows that if we continue down this path and keep with the ship as our only means of access, it is likely to get worse not better. We mustn’t forget that this isn’t based on guess work, this is evidence based - we have actual experience of this over the past number of years.

On the other hand, if we are able to introduce air access and attract tourism and develop the economy and create even half the business and job opportunities that is predicted, it is likely that people all round, rich or poor will reap the benefits. We mustn’t forget also, that as more businesses develop and more people are employed on better wages, the tax base will increase providing the much needed extra monies for social benefits and services such as health and education, which cannot be found at the moment.

It’s also important to note that our Government has a responsibility to respond with appropriate legislation for example, a taxation policy to ensure that large companies and investors pay their dues back to the island, land holding policy to ensure our land is adequately protected, employment policy to ensure minimum rights and protection for employees. For example, paid sick leave and maternity leave isn’t available now for most private sector employees but with a better economy and a more vibrant private sector, it is envisaged that people will start to enjoy these basic rights.

Of course there were other concerns expressed such as (and I will try to address these as I identify them):

How can we possibly attract the number of tourists that are being suggested? At the moment we get around 1,000 tourists each year on RMS. With an airport, we predict starting off with one flight a week leading up to a maximum of seven per week over a period of about 25/30 years or so. If we get only half of those, making it 25,000 tourists per year in about 25 years time, the positive impact from those tourists and the spin-offs on the growth of our economy will still make us far better of than we are now.

A large number of people said throughout the consultation, that while they do not believe that all the tourist figures and the benefits predicted are achievable, they recognise that it is our only real option and that we cannot continue with a ship.

We don’t want the island to change. If we took a step back, we will see that the island is already changing and it’s not necessarily a change for the better. We are losing our young people and skills, our family units are breaking down, wages aren’t increasing in line with prices - things are becoming more unaffordable, our heath, education and police, and other services are stretched, people are becoming more and more demotivated and despondent and moving out where they’re able to and St Helena is fast becoming an island with a declining number of working age people and an increasing elderly and dependent community.

All of these changes I’ve mentioned mainly come down to a lack of money and the only way we can help to overcome them is to inject more money into the island; and the only hope we have of doing this is to improve access so that it takes a lot less time to get here so we can encourage Saints and tourists alike to come and spend their money.

What also came out very clear in the consultation was that some people are being told that once we have an airport, there will be no more ship. I can confirm that this is not correct. We won’t have the RMS but we will certainly have to have some alternative shipping arrangement to continue to bring in our freight by sea. We have already done some research into this and there are choices available for example, we could set up a contract with a shipping company to supply our goods by sea to a fixed timetable, a bit like we used to do with the Southampton and Good Hope Castle, or we could ‘spot hire’ space on a ship as and when we needed or we could charter a ship, etc. Of course we would have to look at costs and weigh up what would be the best option for St Helena and we’ll do this once we know whether or not the UK Government will give the go ahead for the airport.

Finally I’d like to make mention of the jetty or a breakwater. Some people are thinking that if they say they prefer Option B, a replacement ship, we will get a jetty or breakwater as well. I can confirm that this isn’t correct. There is no mention of a jetty or breakwater in the DFID consultation document. Also, it’s important to note that even if we had a breakwater, our problems would virtually remain the same. People would still not be able to get in or out any quicker and we would still find it difficult to attract the type of tourists that we need i.e those that stay on the island for a week or more and spend their money here. Yes, we might attract some additional cruise passengers with a breakwater but although it would be better than nothing, experience from here and elsewhere shows us that apart from paying their landing fees, cruise ship tourists spend very little money on the island.

At the same time as updating you on Rosemary’s visit, I have tried to address some of the concerns raised during the time she was here but if there are any issues raised today which you’d like to discuss further or anything you feel unsure about before you feel able to express your preference for Option A, B or C, then please don’t hesitate to call me.

Sharon Wainwright
29th June 2009

No way to run a civilised country in the 21st Century

2009-06-20T16:02:00.002Z

In all the fuss over the access consultation you may have missed an item of UK news that I find disturbing. I was saddened to hear that the British National Party, which openly promotes racist views, was able to win seats at the recent UK elections. Please read on to find out why I’m so concerned.

Despite its denials the BNP is a racist party. It believes that people should be treated differently according to their racial origins. If the BNP were in charge, those it considers ‘British’ would be given full rights and welcomed into the UK; those that it considers to be ‘not British’ would be treated as second class citizens and actively discriminated against.

According to its policies, those who it believes are not British should be allowed into Britain only as long as they are useful, and should be denied full participation in British life, being kept at arms length, ready to be thrown out of Britain as soon as their usefulness is over.

This is no way to run a civilised country in the 21st Century.

Yet the BNP attracts votes from ordinary people who would not think of themselves as racists, and it does this by dangerously subtle means. It talks about standing up for Britain; it talks about protecting the country from foreign criminals and illegal immigrants; and it talks about preventing foreigners from taking over and preserving jobs for British people. Quoted on the BBC Website , BNP voters say things like: “I believe immigrants do contribute to our economy, but if we have jobs available we should be training people who live in the UK to do those jobs. We shouldn't be inviting more people in. The country is already overpopulated, and there aren't enough homes for the people already here” and “It simply doesn't work when you have mass uncontrolled immigration with no regard for the views of the native British people”.

Although initially appealing, and doubtless more so in times of hardship and recession, policies based on ideas like these are the start of a descent into racism in the style of the Nazis. The BNP (formerly know as the National Front) has always been on the sideline of British politics – a group of primitive racists that nobody took seriously. They are entitled to their views – however disgusting – but I must admit to being thoroughly embarrassed that fellow British citizens have actually voted for them in sufficient numbers for them to win seats in the European Parliament.

If you agree with me please tell others that you share my concern. If you agree with the BNP then I hope you see sense before its too late.

Burgh House Limited's response to the Airport Consultation

2009-06-15T19:28:00.001Z

Status: British Citizen; Resident on St. Helena; Co-owner of a business on St. Helena; Co-owner of property on St. Helena; Father of two school-age children who reside on St. Helena
Replying for and on behalf of Burgh House Limited, registered in St. Helena as Private Limited Company number 32 (Director)
Burgh House Limited provides business solutions - www.burghhouse.com for details

Selected option: A - build the airport without delay

Question 1: What is your view on the three options above?

A is the only option that will allow St. Helena's continued existence. B and C will result in continuing decline and the British government will be seen to have shirked its responsibilities to its overseas territories.

Question 2: How would each of the three options affect you, or the organisation that you represent?

A: provides a future for Burgh House Limited, for myself, my family and the island of St. Helena. The island will prosper. The relative poverty of islanders will be relieved. Health provision will be improved. The island will be able to move out of dependency.

B: provides no future for Burgh House Limited, for myself, my family and the island of St. Helena. The island will remain an economic backwater. People will continue to leave. Services will become unsustainable. Infrastructure will collapse. The island will become a burial ground.

C: provides no future for Burgh House Limited, for myself, my family and the island of St. Helena. After five years the decline will be irreversible and all of the Option B consequences will be inevitable. Option C merely prolongs the agony.

Question 3: Before he reaches a decision, is there any other relevant information or proposals that the Secretary of State for International Development should take into account?

That the people of St. Helena are British citizens, who have loyally supported their government in Britain for hundreds of years, in peacetime and in war, and who therefore deserve to be treated as a priority by the British government.

John Turner
Burgh House Limited, Business Solutions Just imagine . . .
www.burghhouse.com
Burgh House, Barren Ground, Blue Hill, Island of St. Helena STHL 1ZZ (+290) 3235

My personal response to the Airport Consultation

2009-06-15T19:22:00.001Z

Status: British Citizen; Resident on St. Helena; Co-owner of a business on St. Helena; Co-owner of property on St. Helena; Father of two school-age children who reside on St. Helena
Replying as an individual

Selected option: A - build the airport without delay

Question 1: What is your view on the three options above?

A is the only option that will allow St. Helena's continued existence. B and C will result in continuing decline and the British government will be seen to have shirked its responsibilities to its overseas territories.

Question 2: How would each of the three options affect you, or the organisation that you represent?

A: provides a future for myself, my family and the island of St. Helena. The island will prosper. The relative poverty of islanders will be relieved. Health provision will be improved. The island will be able to move out of dependency.

B: provides no future for myself, my family and the island of St. Helena. The island will remain an economic backwater. People will continue to leave. Services will become unsustainable. Infrastructure will collapse. The island will become a burial ground.

C: provides no future for myself, my family and the island of St. Helena. After five years the decline will be irreversible and all of the Option B consequences will be inevitable. Option C merely prolongs the agony.

Question 3: Before he reaches a decision, is there any other relevant information or proposals that the Secretary of State for International Development should take into account?

That the people of St. Helena are British citizens, who have loyally supported their government in Britain for hundreds of years, in peacetime and in war, and who therefore deserve to be treated as a priority by the British government.

John Turner
Burgh House, Barren Ground, Blue Hill, Island of St. Helena STHL 1ZZ

St. Helena Bahá'í Website

2009-04-28T20:11:00.002Z

This has been made live today. St. Helena may have the smallest 'national' Bahá'í community in the world (only ten members - just enought to form an LSA).

Loads of fun had by all at the SHAPE Family Fun-Day

2009-04-13T16:39:00.006Z

Here are some pictures:

I call this last one "Caution - men hard at work!"

Consultation, consultation, consultation, consultation

2009-03-19T13:36:00.005Z

(Text from Hansard is below)

I share the frustration expressed by everyone I’ve spoken to on St. Helena at yet another ‘consultation’ on the airport. Is this one of these things where they keep asking the question until they get the answer they want?

What, exactly, do they want us to say? That we prefer to be isolated and have families split up and people dying because they can’t get to a medical facility soon enough? That we don’t want to be able to earn a living for ourselves and would prefer to be funded forever by the UK taxpayer? That we like being in dependency so that they can mismanage the island for us (as opposed to being financially independent and mismanaging for ourselves, like everyone else does)?

We’ll here’s an offer. They can send me the £100,000 or so that they will be spending on this new round of ‘consultation’, and I’ll send them a report saying that the airport is the best and in the long run cheapest way forward. It’ll save a lot of everyone’s time and I need to get may car fixed so I need the cash. It won’t be hard – I’ll just re-hash all the reports that have been done previously that all came to the same conclusion: St. Helena needs and airport. The cheque can be made payable to Burgh House Limited ...

From Hansard 18th March 2009: Oral Ansrews, Questions to the Prime Minister

Q8. [264134] Meg Munn (Sheffield, Heeley) (Lab/Co-op): Many British children on the island of St. Helena are living with only one parent or without both parents, as adults of working age have to leave the island to find work elsewhere. The decision this week to put off a decision on the airport has dismayed them. Will my right hon. Friend commit to an early decision and give those families some hope that they can live together again?

The Prime Minister: I know that my hon. Friend held a debate on the matter in Westminster Hall. It is important to say that we have set up a consultation on options for access to St. Helena. That consultation will report, and then we will make the right decision.

Heading Home?

2009-03-19T12:40:00.003Z

Recently I read a report on the BBC website about Mexico and the impact of the global economic crisis. What interested me was the number of issues it raised that are relevant for St. Helena. Let me first summarise the story about Mexico and then I’ll explain why it interested me so much.

A significant number of Mexicans have always lived and worked in the United States, sending money to families back home in a similar way to the many off-island Saints. But since the start of the recession Mexicans over the border in America are not as prosperous as they were, and are unable to send home as much money as previously. The BBC reported that in 2008 remittances to Mexico fell by around 12% and Mexico’s shopkeepers are noticing that people have less to spend. But for Mexico this is not the biggest impact of the recession.

Many Mexicans are finding that there just isn’t work available in the USA any more. And they are doing the only thing they can; going home. In an area surveyed by the BBC late in 2008, 20% of those that left for the USA had recently returned, with more expected as the recession bites deeper. For Mexico this is a problem: less money is being sent back, and more people are looking for fewer jobs.

The Bank of St Helena doesn’t release figures on remittances so I can’t be certain but my expectation is that we could expect to see a similar trend to that of Mexico. In the UK, unemployment is now at 2m and predicted to exceed 3m, and there are currently ten jobseekers for every vacancy. February’s temporary – everyone hopes – closure of Honda’s base in Swindon must be putting economic pressure on many. But, like Mexico, I suspect that is not the most interesting issue.

I wonder: how long it will be before we see a significant number of Saints returning home to St. Helena? Some perhaps will come with the intention of weathering the economic storm and then again departing overseas; others will be coming home to stay. But while the impact of that on Mexico has been negative, I think the impact on St. Helena could be decidedly positive.

For many years one of the biggest obstacles to economic progress here has been the shortage of people; both because there were too few consumers to make businesses viable but also because of skills shortages, which have made it almost impossible to find the staff needed to start new business ventures. And as fast as businesses trained up staff, they left for better paid jobs elsewhere. Could this be about to change? Could it be that returning Saints will make it possible for businesses that have been stuck, waiting for staff and customers, to start moving forward? Maybe some of these retuning Saints will themselves be the starters of new businesses, bringing with them skills and perhaps even a little capital to make it happen?

Perhaps the global economic crisis means we won’t get an airport in the near future, but if it gives St. Helena a wider customer base and relieves it of its chronic skills shortage then maybe we might still get an economic uplift to come home for. We must watch with interest.

Chickens & Chips

2009-02-04T08:06:00.002Z

We keep chickens. You have to if you want fresh eggs. The imported ones are frozen for the journey and really don't taste right.

Twice a day I dump our vegitable food leftovers plus as much 'mash' as is necessary to make up a full meal into the chicken enclosure, and the result is always the same. If there are any chips in the delivery they are selected out and carried off by the hens almost before they even hit the ground.

Chickens are not famous for their brainpower so I guess it's a hard-wired survival instinct - the ability to identify a chip and grab it before somone else does. Only after the chips, bread and anything green has been devoured will they consent to eating the mash.

Does anyone know how chickens learn? Or have they now evolved to recognise chips?

decision-o-phobia

2009-01-23T18:18:00.000Z

Decision-o-phobia is a disease which is fairly widespread in government circles (and, let’s be honest, nobody is quite as good as a government in going round in circles).

Some question comes up that has never been asked before, so the usual way of answering any question (give whatever answer you gave last time, even if that was 200 years ago and the circumstances were entirely different) doesn’t apply.

Nobody wants to be the one to say either yes or no, in case that turns out to be the wrong answer, so they keep referring it on to someone else to review.

Governments are capable of playing this particular form of 'keepy uppy' until judgement day, as anyone who has ever posed such a question to a government department will know.

If anyone knows of a cure for decision-o-phobia that doesn’t involve about half a ton of TNT please could they let me know . . .?

... for who can escape what he desires

2009-01-23T11:25:00.002Z

The Lady Lies
Genesis, from the album "And then there were three ..."
(the only post-Gabriel Genesis album I have any time for)

The man steps out in the moonlight
At the sound of a scream from below
He thinks he is a warrior
So he picks up his sword and goes

From the mouth of the monster
He rescues the maiden fair
But we know she's a demon
Come to lead him to the demon's lair

Through restless foliage and tall trees he leads
To a house in a clearing, a place in her fear she calls home

"Come with me I need you
I fear the dark and I live all alone
I'll give you wine and food too
And something special after if you like"

And though his body bids him
To enter in with her
There was something in her manner
That his mind could not ignore

Also it is whispered
In the kingdom far and wide
To beware a little cottage
In the forest in a glade

For who knows what magic takes place in his world
So he just thanks her kindly preparing to go on his way

"Come with me I need you
I fear the dark and I live all alone
I'll give you wine and food too
And something special after if you like

Come to my garden
Taste the fruits and the spices of love
You can't resist me
I'm the kind that your dreams tell you of"

"So glad you could make it
We had everything arranged
So glad you saw fit to pay a call"

Some men never listen
And other never learn
But why this man did as he did
Only he will ever know

He knew he was walking
Into a waiting trap
Neatly set up for him
With a bait so richly wrapped

So he went inside there to take on what he found
But he never escaped them, for who can escape what he desires

"Come with me I need you
I fear the dark and I live all alone
I'll give you wine and food too
And something special after if you like"

Rock+ returns . . .

2009-01-20T12:26:00.003Z

The infamous Rock+ programme returns to SaintFM this Friday night.

The (provisional) playlist is as follows:

3 Doors Down, from the album Away from the Sun, Track 04 Ticket to Heaven
AC-DC, from the album High Voltage, Track 02 Rock 'n' Roll Singer
Asia, from the album Alpha, Track 05 The Heat Goes On
Black Sabbath, from the album Sabotage, Track 04 Megalomania
blink-182, from the album Take off Your Pants and Jacket, Track 06 The Rock Show
Bob Rivers, from the album Twisted Tunes Vol.01, Track 11 I Fought the Lawn
Bon Jovi, from the album Cross Road, Track 03 Someday I'll Be Saturday Night
Brother Cane, from the album Live In Bob's Garage, Track 02 Breadmaker
Calling, from the album Camino Palmero, Track 10 Thank You
Canned Heat, from the album Canned Heat, Track 02 Bullfrog Blues
Cream, from the album Live Cream, Vol. 2, Track 04 Tales of Brave Ulysses
Creedence Clearwater Revival, from the album Cosmo's Factory, Track 07 Up Around the Bend
Creed, from the album Human Clay, Track 12 Young Grow Old
David Bowie, from the album Let's Dance, Track 02 China Girl
Don Henley, from the album Building the Perfect Beast, Track 01 The Boys of Summer
Fleetwood Mac, from the album Tusk, Track 19 Tusk
Frankie Goes to Hollywood, from the album Welcome to the Pleasuredome, Track 03 Relax
Gary Moore, from the album Corridors of Power, Track 06 End of the World
Green Day, from the album American Idiot, Track 13 Whatsername
Iron Maiden, from the album Seventh Son of a Seventh Son, Track 03 Can I Play With Madness
Kinks, from the album Tired of Waiting for You, Track 08 Sunny Afternoon
Kiss, from the album Crazy Nights, Track 01 Crazy Crazy Nights
Led Zeppelin, from the album Led Zeppelin IV, Track 02 Rock and Roll
Modern Lovers, from the album The Modern Lovers, Track 01 Roadrunner
Neil Young, from the album Greatest Hits, Track 07 Southern Man
Nickelback, from the album All the Right Reasons, Track 11 Rockstar
Prince, from the album The Very Best of Prince, Track 03 Little Red Corvette
Queen, from the album News of the World, Track 05 Spread Your Wings
Robert Palmer, from the album Some Guys Have All the Luck, Track 01 I Didn't Mean to Turn You On
Scorpions, from the album Deadly Sting- The Mercury Years Disc 2, Track 12 Alien Nation
Secondhand Serenade, from the album A Twist In My Story, Track 03 Maybe
Shivers, from the album Live In Bob's Garage, Track 04 Stranger's Face
Snow Patrol, from the album Eyes Open, Track 09 Headlights on Dark Roads
Steppenwolf, from the album Steppenwolf the Second, Track 07 Magic Carpet Ride
Stranglers, from the album Singles (The UA Years), Track 01 (Get a) Grip (On Yourself)
Sweet, from the album Ballroom Hitz (The Best Of Sweet), Track 04 Wig-Wam Bam
T. Rex, from the album The Slider, Track 01 Metal Guru
Thin Lizzy, from the album Live And Dangerous - In Concert, Track 10 The Boys Are Back In Town
Tom Petty, from the album Greatest Hits, Track 01 American Girl
Tom Robinson Band, from the album Power in the Darkness, Track 15 2-4-6-8 Motorway
Tonic, from the album Live In Bob's Garage, Track 01 Casual Affair
Uriah Heep, from the album Demons and Wizards, Track 02 Traveller in Time
Van Halen, from the album Van Halen II, Track 02 Dance the Night Away
Vanderveen, from the album GarageBand.com, Track 01 Weekend Full of Weekends
Who, from the album My Generation- The Very Best of the Who, Track 05 I'm a Boy
ZZ Top, from the album Greatest Hits, Track 08 Viva Las Vegas

Some, but almost certainly not all, of those will get played between about 19:15 (whenever the news finishes) and 21:30 this coming Friday.

Slide show improvements

2009-01-05T16:01:00.002Z

We've just added a few more images to the ‘Images of St. Helena’ slide show, and it also now shows the caption beneath the picture without you having to hover the mouse.

Growing up

2009-01-03T09:18:00.003Z

Growing up (for a man) involves realising that you can't go on asking your mother to find your things for you, and finding someone to marry you so that you can ask her instead.

The Royal Marines

2008-12-22T21:08:00.003Z

I just noticed that the sweet little clock gadget has been supplemented by a little advert, kindly selected by Google in its infinite wisdom, which says "Take a look at the exciting options open to you in the Royal Marines".

Let's be entirely clear - the "exciting options open to you in the Royal Marines" are to kill or get killed, or perhaps to help others to kill or get killed.

Never let it be said that I - an entirely unreconstituted member of the 1960s "make love not war" generation - was encouraging anyone to join the Marines or any other military outfit.

Open Office

2008-12-22T21:03:00.002Z

In their own words:

"Open Office is the leading open-source office software suite for word processing, spreadsheets, presentations, graphics, databases and more. It is available in many languages and works on all common computers. It stores all your data in an international open standard format and can also read and write files from other common office software packages. It can be downloaded and used completely free of charge for any purpose."

Our experience is that Open Office really works, and the user interface is very similar to you-know-who's product, but those little differences can be irritating at first. It's probably best to standardise on one or the other, rather than switching backwards and forwards and ending up totally confused.

The above will be on our Burgh House Software site as soon as I get round to doing the upload (and the image will appear then).

Pyramid hedge funds

2008-12-19T18:34:00.002Z

I suppose if you're going to commit fraud you might as well do it on a grand scale. Why stop at just a few million dollars, when you can defraud supposedly-savvy banks out of 50 billion dollars.

I was amused to note that he posted ten million dollars bail money.

Where'd he get that from, then?

Twitter

2008-12-15T16:14:00.002Z

Does anyone know what Twitter (http://www.twitter.com/) is for? What does it do? Why would I want to use it and what for?

As far as I can see you announce what you are doing at that moment, and it's published on the Internet. And then what?

If you are a Twitter user (or, dare I say, fan), please explain it to me.

The image is just gratuitous advertising.

Gadgets

2008-12-14T20:02:00.003Z

I like Monet's paintings and I thought you might want to know what time it is here. Do I need any other reason?

This is one of the Plantation House giant tortoises. Maybe the famous Jonathan but I suspect not.

From where?

2008-12-14T19:32:00.003Z

If you don't know, look it up. This link should do it for you: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Saint_Helena_(island).

Better still, get on your yacht or whatever form of marine transport you can borrow and drop in.